Alan’s TTIM Stories #34

This can also be called an introvert’s survival guide. Whenever you find yourself in a group of people, there is always the danger of a conversation. It is inevitable. Hiding in a corner of the room will be interpreted as anti-social or plain creepy. When a conversation breaks out, you will be confronted by a speaker. I use the word “speaker” because you will doing most of the listening.

Here are three rules to help you endure this public torment.

First: Never, never, never relate your experiences to the speaker’s story. It belittles the speaker’s story. Your conquest of Mt. Everest or your recent hike to Machu Picchu will never compete with the speaker’s child making the honor role for the third time. He/she does not care about your story. As difficult as it may be to accept, believe me, it’s true. Instead, use questions about the speaker’s subject to show interest – even if it’s insincere.

Second: Don’t excuse yourself even if the pressure in your bladder is a danger to everyone around you. Even an emergency exit will be considered rude. If you want a never-ending conversation to end, use embarrassing statements such as:

“How does that affect your performance in bed?”

“In some countries, you can be castrated for that.”

“I have a financial opportunity for you that will solve all your problems.”

“Have you found Jesus Christ?”

“How long has that thing been growing on your neck?”

“Let me call my therapist and make an appointment for you.”

If he/she continues the conversation after that, go ahead and call the therapist – any therapist.

Third: Never, never, never give your own opinion – even if asked.  The speaker will extend an enormous amount of energy to prove you wrong. It’s a good chance that this is intent of the conversation. I had a coworker who would tell me how wrong I was when I agreed with her. Instead, follow the opinion request with another question:

“What do you think?”

“What has your research discovered?”

“Is that the same thing Einstein said?”

“Does your mother know you’re a psychopath?”

Follow these three rules and you will be considered a great listener. This may seem like a very cynical approach to human relationships, but I think you’ll find more truth than cynicism.

After a night of endless listening and you feel no one is listening to you – become a writer.

Follow announcements of Alan’s TTIM Stories at Facebook.com/alan.vandervoort or Instagram & Treads vandervoort_author, with all available posts at www.alanvandervoort.com. Novels by the author include: Sandhills – A Novel and Key Largo Summer, found at Booklocker.com and other online booksellers.